依文説

What It Really Means to Be 'Friends With Benefits'

到底什麼是…“砲友“的真面目

The pitfalls are clear, but some find ways to make it work.

這是個致命的陷阱，但還是有些方式可以避免陷入其中

Posted Feb 03, 2015

Whether it’s online or in the physical world, there are a lot of people seeking and trying to establish "friends with benefits" arrangements, or FWB.

不論是網路或是現實社會的交友，有許多人在尋找並嘗試發展“friends with benefits”純粹的關係，簡稱FWB。

The problem is, when an FWB hasn't developed organically, the label doesn't fit and may add pressure when it's intended to take pressure off. 

問題是當FWB關係發展不健全時，除了這份認定不符合倆人當前的關係，同時也為原本想要輕輕鬆鬆的相處，徒增壓力。

When entering a new arrangement, calling it FWB is confusing because it doesn't reflect the complicated nature of what you're trying to create, especially if it's with someone you barely know. 

展開一段純粹的新關係時，將其視為FWB會很混淆，因為這讓人很難理解你試圖要營造的複雜性，尤其是與還不熟的人相處的狀況下。

The sexual part of a new connection can be easy to fall into, of course. But what about the "friends" element? A friend is typically someone you trust and who trusts you—a relationship that develops through shared history, experiences, situations, circumstances, compatibility, or mutual interests. When you're looking for an FWB arrangement with someone from the start, you're forcing a new potential relationship into a box that may not fit, with a label that may misrepresent it. Since it takes time to cultivate a friendship, it logically follows that it should require time and dedication to find out if one can or should cultivate a friendship with benefits with someone. 

當然，不難陷入想要享受歡愉的新體驗，但 “朋友”的本質呢？朋友通常是一位你信任或信任你的人，建立在共同的經歷、相處、面對各種狀況，以及朝夕相處或是擁有相同興趣的人。當你從一開始就鎖定對方為FWB，這已經侷限自己與對方的發展，你強行框架的這段情誼也被貼上容易產生誤會的標籤。由於一段友誼需要時間的培養，照邏輯上來說是需要花時間和精力來認定一個人，是否是能結交為益友。

Why? Because the benefit is sex, and any time sex is involved, it complicates matters—even when both people try to maintain communication and mutual respect. For an FWB arrangement to work, you have to know each other; have a sense of who both of you are with and to each other; and understand what feelings the emotional and sexual dynamic evokes in you. Maintaining an FWB in a healthy way means communicating about what each person expects and where each is as the relationship evolves. Whether it feels comfortable and safe, or problems arise, if there is room to work through challenges to maintain the friendship, even at the expense of the benefits, then you are in a successful connection. There is a mutual investment in each other's well-being, because you're friends first.

為什麼？因為益處是性滿足，每次牽扯到性，事情都會複雜化，即使雙方都意圖保持理性溝通和互相尊重。要一段成功互惠的FWB關係，你需要的是了解彼此；並有分析自身交友狀況的能力和觀察對方的交友狀況，與洞察彼此間的相互關係；還有正視你在情感上和性方面所產生的感受力是什麼。用健康的角度來維持一段FWB關係，可以說是場溝通，說出各自的期待和關係發展時彼此的定位。 不論是舒適度和安全的感受，或是出現問題，如果有足夠的能力來解決而維持友誼，即使犧牲了利益，這段關係還是相當成功。相互都為對方付出，因為你們將Friends擺第一。

But regardless of how the relationship is labeled, when you’re sexually involved with someone you already care deeply for, emotions build, as does trust, intimacy, connection, and familiarity. And, no matter what one calls the arrangement, it can still get tricky. Check in to make sure that your friend is still your friend and that it's not getting more challenging to maintain your status, or is in any way becoming off-putting for you or for them.

不過，由於關係已被貼標籤，當你和在乎的的對象發生性關係，情感就此產生，伴隨而來的信任感、親密感、連結感和熟悉度。任誰聲明這是場純粹的情誼，都還是棘手。確認對方依然還當你是朋友，別幫自己找麻煩，或者是有機會讓自己或他人感到不愉快。

Problems can quickly become magnified: What if the person you're sleeping with is actually feeling strung along, or is only going along with the title of “FWB” because they have deeper feelings for you? What if it's become a way of keeping the intimacy going, or they are hoping the sex will lead to deeper love and a committed relationship? What if that person is afraid to bring up these complications because they don’t want to jeopardize the friendship?

問題會逐漸放大：你睡的那個人會不會其實感覺被玩弄；還是有更深層的感情，但頂著FWB的頭銜行事？這會不會變成維持親密關係的一種方法；還是他們希望由性愛延伸到心理層面的愛，然後發展成穩定關係？那個人會不會不敢提到這些複雜的情緒，因為不想破壞這段友誼？

Of course, this dynamic can occur the other way around as well: You may long for more and feel hopeful that the sexual part of your friendship will help your friend engage in a more romantic, committed way. You may continue calling the relationship FWB for fear that if your friend knew you wanted more, it would scare them off. You may have boxed yourself into an FWB title when your feelings no longer remotely reflect that arrangement.

當然，這情況也可能是另一種：你想要更多，希望藉由性關係讓你朋友投入更多浪漫情懷和堅定的諾言。你可以繼續膽戰心驚的將這段關係捧為FWB，當你朋友得知你想要更多，會被嚇跑。當你感受到無法再純粹交友，會將自己困在FWB的頭銜裡。

Under these circumstances, FWB is not an accurate label, because it does not reflect what you're actually experiencing. And because your relationship is mislabeled, it can contribute to feeling less deserving of the feelings you're having. You're hiding what you feel, which delegitimizes any relationship, but since you're "only" an FWB, you're not "allowed" to feel emotionally invested. When the other person wanders off, you have to pretend not to be heartbroken.

在這些情況下，FWB是個不合適的定義，因為不能反應出你真正的體認，也因為這段人際關係被誤貼了標籤，會導致為自己感到不值得。你將情緒隱藏，讓關係合理化，但區區一個FWB，是不被允許享受感情的投入。所以當有人離開時，你必須假裝不傷心。

FWB is also not an accurate description when it feels like your new friend is imposing an arrangement on you that is convenient for them, at your emotional expense, whether they are aware of that or not. It's confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That's putting the benefits before the friendship. You may have started out thinking that the FWB label was a good idea, but since the territory can be so uncharted, yours and your friend's feelings may change in myriad ways, and the label can quickly become a hindrance. 

FWB也不適合用來解釋以下行為：當你的新朋友為圖利自身，而有意無意的綁架你的情感。要遵守遊戲規則而去付出行動的性關係，這友誼基礎是相當令人困惑的。又或者，當你企圖持友誼之名，獲得性滿足之實，那何來的友誼之橋樑？這根本是將友誼放兩旁，把利字擺中間。你最初想說FWB可能是個好主意，但前途一片未知，你與朋友的情感可說是千變萬化，很快的這個標籤將變成一大絆腳石。

That's not to say an FWB arrangement isn't possible: Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it's morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It's a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.

並不是說純粹的FWB不可能： 性探索有機會形成友誼橋樑，且經常變成認同者們的一種可行形式。又或者，你與此人曾有一段情或是發生過關係，但現在已沒了悸動火花。在這狀況下，性關係能保留或重新熟悉。共通點是你們之間的過去，共享舊時光那些存留的信任。你發現到彼此都很享受默契，但你們的情感面可能不及性方面的契合。這是相處過的經驗。你視為朋友關係的相處，解釋了你目前的人生，還有在面對人際關係時，你互利共生的選擇。

However, when you ask to be FWBs with someone you don't know well, or with whom you haven't developed a connection, you’re putting stress and expectations on a nascent relationship. There are many flaws in this formula, the greatest of which is that it has the potential to cheapen what you call a friend.

然而，當你開口邀請一位不熟識的人或還沒接觸過的人成為FWB時，你已經對這才剛萌芽的關係下了期許與壓力。這是一條崎嶇的路，其中最大的缺點就是有機會貶低了你對於朋友的認定。

Rather, when you recognize that you would like to connect and have intimacy and trust with someone, but you're not ready to be in a committed relationship, or you don't want to manage expectations early on, what is really happening is that you are figuring it out as you go. That may be more freeing and less constricting than giving the wrong label to what you're trying to create.

相反的，當你發覺你希望與某人有更近一步發展親密感和信任感，但你還準備好要踏入穩定關係或是你不想太早定義未來發展，你將要做得就是兵來將擋，水來土掩。這樣會有更多發展空間和少一點不必要的困擾。

Not labeling a new arrangement, situation, or relationship takes some of the pressure off, sets up more room to get to know each other as friends, and keeps the communication lines open. The good news is that developing an investment in the "friends" part solidifies your foundation, and can also enhance the benefits. 

不隨意替新的感情貼標籤、下定論、把話說死，或加以解讀企圖減輕壓力。敞開溝通，給朋友多一點可能性。在拓展人際過程中，你所投資在朋友方面的努力，不僅可以打下穩固的基礎，同時提升益處利。

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201502/what-it-really-means-be-friends-benefits

ps. 因為你在意，所以我在意你